Partial List of Life Goals to Accomplish before Age Forty, Revised:
1. Original: Finish novel. Secure literary agent, publisher, and six-figure advance. Amended: Finish next paragraph without opening new bag of chips.
2. Original: Purchase black-on-black Porsche Panamera GTS. Pay less than MSRP. Get all-season floor mats thrown in for free. Amended: Buy new all-season floor mats for Volkswagen. Place black electrical tape over odometer.
3. Original: Lose fifteen pounds, crush half marathon in less than 1:20. Amended: Leave home without emergency reserve bag of chips.
4. Original: Eliminate television. Rediscover love of reading. Amended: Stay awake lamenting fact that Coach Taylor now belongs to a Florida crime family. Cry over lost innocence and unreclaimable past.
5. Original: Upgrade wardrobe. Amended: Resolve to buy new extra-large Dillon Panthers t-shirt to hide man-boobs. Wonder whether new #dadbodfad permits said man-boobs. Open new bag of chips.